Phasmophobia and Why I Am the Worst Person to Ever Hunt a Ghost

I want to start by saying I had a plan. The plan was to play Phasmophobia, laugh a bit, maybe get a nice clip of me being spooked in a tasteful, camera-friendly way, and then write about how fun it was. That is not what happened. What happened is I discovered, with total clarity, that I have none of the qualities required to hunt a ghost, even a digital one that cannot actually touch me.

For anyone who has somehow missed it, Phasmophobia is a co-op horror game where you and a few other players go into a house, flat or school that has a ghost in it, and try to work out what kind of ghost it is using various bits of equipment: a spirit box, a UV torch, a thermometer, a camera that only shows you the terrifying thing right as it happens. You gather evidence, you write it down, and then, in theory, you leave alive. That last part is the bit I struggled with.

The moment I understood who I was as a person

I went in with a torch and what I can only describe as false confidence. My plan was to check one room, note the temperature, and come straight back out. Instead I heard a single footstep behind me, made a noise I have never made before in my life, and ran directly into a wardrobe. Not through the door. Into the wardrobe, next to the door, which I had apparently decided was safer.

My teammate asked over the microphone if I was all right. I said yes. I was lying. I was crouched inside a piece of furniture waiting for my heart rate to come down while a ghost, who I am fairly sure was just doing its job, wandered off to bother someone else.

This is the point where I have to be honest with myself. I am not a brave person pretending to be scared for entertainment. I am a genuinely nervous person who has chosen, as a hobby, to repeatedly frighten herself in a house that does not exist. I do not know what that says about me. Nothing good, probably.

The equipment does not help if you cannot hold still

A lot of Phasmophobia comes down to patience. You are meant to stand in a dark room, quietly, and wait for something to happen so you can write it down. I am not built for that. I fidget. I narrate my own thoughts out loud. I once talked myself out of finishing an investigation because I convinced myself the sound of my own footsteps was the ghost's footsteps, which, if you think about it for even a second, makes no sense, because I was the one walking.

My favourite bit of kit is probably the spirit box, mostly because it gives the ghost a chance to say something back, and there is a strange comfort in being spoken to directly, even by something unfriendly. If I were setting up my own little ghost-hunting corner for film nights like this, I would want:

EMF reader style ghost hunting toy or novelty gadget

Something to hold while I pretend I am brave, basically. Ideally something with a light on it, because a light on it makes everything feel more official.

What this says about me as a horror fan

I think there is a difference between loving horror and being suited to horror, and Phasmophobia has taught me which one I am. I can watch a haunted house film from the sofa, jumper on, blanket ready, and feel completely fine, because I know it is not going to ask me to do anything. Phasmophobia asks you to participate. It wants you to go and check the room. It wants you to read the thermometer while the temperature is dropping. I do not want to do any of that. I would like the ghost to email me its findings.

And yet I keep going back. That is the maddening part. Every time I say I am never playing again, and every time, a few days later, I am back in the van outside a fake haunted farmhouse, agreeing to go in first because nobody else will.

Would I recommend it

Completely, and mostly because of how it feels with other people. The best moments are not really the scares, they are the aftermath: everyone talking over each other, someone insisting they definitely saw something, someone else insisting they did not, and me, still slightly out of breath from a wardrobe I climbed into for no reason. If you want a survival horror game that turns fear into a shared joke rather than a solo ordeal, this is a good place to start. Just do not expect it to make you brave. It certainly has not made me brave. It has mostly just given me a very accurate picture of exactly how far I would get in a real haunted house, which is roughly to the second room, into the nearest wardrobe.

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